Tricks of a Triathlon

I have been inspired to work out all the time now. I know that most of you may be rolling your eyes and saying “We’ve heard this before”, but HALT my weary reader, this time I am a changed man.

I was recently working a triathlon; we were filming it and I knew several of the participants competing. It was early, it was humid, we won’t even talk about my hair, I really would have rather slept in to be honest, but my demeanor soon changed, because as I turned the corner I was greeted by greased abdominals and perky pectorals.

The beach was full of men wearing nothing but booty shorts and baby oil.

What in the hell? Where has all this man meat been hiding in Hilton Head? It was paradise. I mean, yes, there are some prune-like old men wearing spandex and Speedo’s, but you have to take the good with the bad.

As soon as I realized that I was salivating and experiencing a tingle in my tutu area, I had to snap out of it and pretend that I wasn’t noticing the delicious assortment of beaux-hunks.

Let Me Tell You How This Works:

1. The Arrival- You get there and you go sign in and get your cute little tag to wear while you compete. Then a woman comes and writes the same number on your arm with a permanent marker. THEN, this is the best part, she writes your age on the back of your right calf! She is doing all the work for you, and she doesn’t even know it, she is like the best wing man ever! This allows for you to scope out all of the potential candidates in your age range without even having to talk to them. Talk about perfect?

2. The Start of the Race- Everyone gathers in a big cluster barely clothed; they are shaking hands, patting asses, HUGGING! Agh. Anyways, this allows time for you to take your position near the age appropriate hotties that you have scoped during the arrival section. Make sure to tell them “Good Luck” or something of that nature so you know that they have taken notice to you, I mean of course they would notice you anyways, you’re hot, but just in case they’re way too in the zone, you at least make your mark.

3. The Swim- As the gun, or cowbell as it was in this instance, goes off you run into the water. Try and stay close to your options, but not too close, we aren’t desperate. This swimming portion allows for further inspection of their back, arms and shoulders, muscle groups you are going to want to take into consideration. I mean, what if you marry one of these men? Aren’t you going to want to have a strong man to carry you across the threshold of your new home after your wedding? You certainly don’t want a scrawny little thing that gets a hernia when he attempts to lift you. These are the things you have to think about. Also, don’t worry about the jellyfish stings; there are so many people peeing in the water at this point, that it won’t hurt but for a minute.

4. The Biking- As you and your dripping wet hunks make it out of the water you have to run to your bike. At this point in the race you can choose to tag in a team mate to do the biking part for you. If one of your options does decide to do this, cross him off the list; this shows that he lacks stamina, and we know what that means. You don’t want a strong man to carry you across the threshold on your wedding night with his big arms, and then have to “tag someone in” because he lacks the stamina, no ma’am! Follow the “one man team”. The biking can get rigorous, but stay with it, this is ample time to check out his legs, and of course his buttocks.

5. The Run- Girl, I know this race is difficult but you can do it. This is the best part, he’s shirtless and wearing barely any pants! I know that you may be lacking energy but this is where we have to power through. At this point it is safe to jog alongside your new found men ( I am pretty sure you have narrowed it down to two or three by now). Staying alongside him at this point will make him realize that he has some competition that he didn’t have before; of course, we all know that you could easily smoke him, but you have been busy checking him out the whole race. The final test starts here. Keep in time with your prey, it may be a smart idea to even get in the same rhythm as him, and then pretend you have a bead of sweat forming around your eye. Take your elbow and casually, without breaking stride with him, wipe your face to “clear the sweat”. This is an old trick, but it works. While your man may think that you are just wiping your sweaty brow, the real intent is to check out what he is packing; don’t act like you haven’t done this, I know you have. I realized yesterday that triathlons are the ideal place to see what is going down in Wienerville, they just flop around like nobody’s business, for everyone to see! Even though there is this blatant display of manhood, be discrete, it is not a good feeling when a man sees you ogling his goodies, he thinks you are only interested in one thing after that, and we are ladies, that isn’t ALL we are after. Think about the wedding night, the big arms and high stamina may be worthless with out a decent sized friend joining the party. Be weary of no flop, but cautious of TOO much flop, a little swingin' is all we be needin'.

6. The Finish Line- You did it! You finished the race, and looked damn good doing it. You also found a potential mate in the midst of things, whether he knows it or not. Just because you have crossed the finish line, doesn’t mean you are done with your prowl, you have got to walk it out, I mean you just did a triathlon and all. Follow him discretely (if you haven’t noticed yet, the general theme is to be close enough to be approachable, but far enough away to be mysterious), start to stretch. Pass a flirtatious look his way when he is bent over stretching his calves, and catch his eye. Smile turn away.

7. Awards- OK, so you did a great job, and you won 18 trophies, but the ultimate prize hasn't been won yet. You see your man walking off the platform, he is carrying an award, of course, we only choose award winning men. At this point you should start talking. You chose the conversation, you are in control, he is suitable for you, not the other way around sister.


Good Luck.


I had once thought that triathlons were a place where only skinny people who have no sort of social life went to hang out with their own kind. On the contrary my friends, the women who attend these wiener races have it all figured out.

Now, where is my speedo?