"The Jocks"- These men tend to define themselves as "masculine" because they play sports, lift weights and wear jockstraps (even under formal clothing, it's disgusting we will talk about this later). They think that because they wear baseball caps and sports team shirts they fly under the radar and are seldom questioned about their sexuality, that is until they are caught ogling other people's goodies in the communal showers after practice. They tend to want to date only amongst themselves because they like men who act "super manly". I sometimes wish to be in this group, because like in high school, they are the most popular everyone likes looking at them and they do have great bods. However, sticking with the high school theme, they also tend to be mildly retarded. Whether this low mental capacity is brought on by overly abused steroid use, or too many hits to the head whilst playing manly rugby, the fact is, they just aren't that bright. I once dated a body builder who fits this type, we can discuss that later.
"The Twinks" - The twinks are the skinny ones, the ones who look like they could be confused as someone who should still be in high school. The older gays who have father son fetishes usually go for them. They are generally slim, baby faced, no facial hair (or any body hair for that matter), blonde with horrid highlights, and apply way too much foundation and or bronzer. They tend to prance around sipping a Mochachochalatayaya from Starbucks and judge people who eat carbs. They think everyone should be equally as concerned with their gayness as they are; yet, no one takes them seriously because of their insatiable desire for gossip, drama, and random hookups. They die for Lady Gaga.
"The Bears" - Bear culture is scary quiet honestly. The big hairy boys. They are not all fat, some are just like jocks but with hair, LOTS of hair. Most of these men look like Al from "Home Improvement", except the lesbians stole all the flannel so they stick to wearing leather ass less chaps. If you are an older "bear" seeking a younger chubby boy, you call the boy you seek a "Cub". They are usually blue collar employees, having beards, are the only gays to drink not Lite beer and for some reason are associated with leather and cock rings. Nice people, the Bears.
"Mr. Popular's" - These men comprise the high and mighty "Gay List". They think that they sit higher than you because they have a Louis wallet, a Nordstroms card, unimaginable debt at Bloomingdales, and an Audi that they emptied their trustfunds to purchase. They tend to have personal trainers that have their own TV show, assistants, and a celebrity hairstylist. Oh, and did you know that Britney was in their spin class last week? These men are usually in entertainment(shock), advertisment, or pulic relations.
"The Trannys/Drag Queens" - A lovely race of people, they come in every different shape and in most sizes. Some you can spot from a mile away but be careful, a guy who worked with my dad thought RuPaul was the hottest woman in the 90's. My dad had to tell this 6'4 300 pound man that RuPaul was a dude. Moral of story: the good ones can fool you, they do walk among us and they LOVE straight men.
"The Artists" - These guys are actually too cool to talk to you, or your friends. They are generally have tattoo's that cover their well worked out arms, because they are just that cool. They are deep and artsy and are really cool looking. They generally work as photographers, dive bar musicians, or record sales men. They dress in outrageous layers that they want you to think took them only two minutes to assemble, but in all likelihood, they spent hours perfecting the "I don't give a shit because I am so cool" look. Hate it.
Then you have your general LA club going-I have a hot boyfriend from Sweden-I work out 6 days a week and judge those who don't- I am 6 percent body fat- I preen more than a peacock type guys. They disgust me. They fixate on perfection, and make me want to yack all over my panties.
Not all of the homo's fit in these categories perfectly, in fact I am sure that most of them don't. Some are a conglomeration of multiple groups. Which leads me to my question, Where do I fit in?
OK sure, the high heels and big hair (Queenie). The interest in sports, football and dance teams (Jock, mostly). I am super cool (Artist). Everyone loves me (Mr. Popular). I am not a stick figure, kind of thick (Bear? Ew, please no). But I am also a lot more than even just this
Since I have had little luck with the dates I have picked up whilst at social events, or parties or what have you, I have decided to conduct an experiment.
I am going to resort to online dating. That's right opossums, I am going to sign up on three different free dating sites and see which one leads to the best results. I will document dates from each of these sites, report back to you, and hopefully find some one worth talking about about. If not, I will still write about them, and document the antics that occurred. We will see, based on my personality tests on these sites which "TYPE" of men I attract, and hopefully, which sub group of gayness I fall into.
Wish Me Luck Chipmunks!
xo
William
No comments:
Post a Comment