Lessons of the Loo

I was once in a bathroom at Outback when my stepdad, who was wondering why I was taking so long, came in and found me belting out “Tomorrow” (they had great acoustics there), whilst I sat astride porcelain God, taking my sweet time. I was about 7…teen.

No, seriously, I was only 7.

While it is not uncommon to hear me belting show tunes, I have to say, singing “Annie” is not proper etiquette when you are relieving yourself, unless you are in the solitude of your own home. And, while I was only seven, I learned from my red faced stepfather that there are rules in a bathroom. And today, I took a minute and silently thanked God, that Miller (stepdad) had taught me these vital rules, because some people, who are much older than me, have STILL NOT learned them.
So, for all of you, right here and now, I am about to teach you the same rules that Miller taught me, those many moons ago.

1. Location, Location, Location- If you are the first person in a restroom and there is a line of 5 open urinals, go ahead, take your pick, the bathroom is your domain…until the next guy walks in. If you are indeed that next guy there are now only 4 open urinals left, it is your job to keep the most distance between you and the first guy, as possible. When the third man comes in, and the first two are STILL peeing, there should then be a urinal between each of you. This pattern should continue until all the urinals are occupied. This isn’t rocket science.

2. Assuming the Position- Why are you standing with your legs 3 feet apart? This isn't a ballet class. Why are you hugging the urinal? Why are you standing so far away? Keep it casual. Stand back, slightly, you don't want any of it to bounce back and land on your pants (embarrassing!),with your feet shoulder width apart, relax,and let it out…

3. Don’t Low Ride- There is no reason to pull your pants down, not even a little bit, if you are using a urinal. I honestly don’t care if you are wearing a unitard. There is no reason, as a grown ass man to pull your pants down. They make the “fly” for a reason…

4. No Peeking- Let’s be honest, we are all curious about who is packing more heat, but if you don’t want to get your teeth knocked down your throat, keep your eyes on YOUR prize or straight ahead, no one likes a nosey neighbor.

5. Keep It Mute- There is no reason to talk in the bathroom. Any words are fighting words. Humming, Whistling and Singing fall under this category as well. This requires no further explanation.

6. Touchy Feely- OK, so maybe I am the only one this has happened to, but when I am peeing I don’t need anyone slapping my back and saying “Hey Man! What’s up?” Don’t touch me asshole, I am holding my penis in my hand. This is violating not only this rule, but rule #5 as well.

7. Farting- I get that it is a “Men’s Room” but farting whilst peeing, is disgusting, not to mention, very rude. We may be men, but I am damn sure I don’t want to be smelling your stank ass gas, and I sure as hell don’t need it settling in my clothes.

8. Wrapping It Up- Two Shakes is all it takes, if you are jiggling it more than that, you are playing with it. No Questions Asked.

While I may be a bit of a stickler, I find that this is the best advice some people will receive today, and hopefully I have touched some of you. If you or anyone you know is a habitual breaker of any of the rules listed above, please feel free to cite this posting for reference. For those of you who are going to ask about going number two, my best advice is don’t. Wait till you get home.

Loving you Always.

My hair is still giving me the silent treatment.
oxxoox
William